The Ypres Times.
127
When I awoke I looked around me. I had a headache. I was reclining on the
firestep of a deserted trench. My eyes next fell on my garments, which were of coarse
grey cloth. I examined the buttons of the tunic I wore. I had a dull, heavy feeling and
at first thought I must be dreaming, but I soon convinced myself that I was indubitably
clad in a German military uniform. I snatched a cap off my head. It was round and
peakless, with a scarlet band. At my feet was a Mannlicher rifle and an empty bandolier.
What had happened I put up my hand to my chinwith a tremor of horror I felt it
was bare. My beard had gone. My upper lip was likewise destitute of hair. My first
thought was naturally that I had been taken prisoner by the Germans. I sprang up and
had taken a couple of steps, when a stolid-looking British soldier appeared round the
corner of the traverse, and pointing his rifle at me, called out,
Hands up, Fritz
I complied with alacrity, for I inhabit a body which I have no reason to believe is
bullet-proof, however thick my enemies affect to think my skin is. I am bound to say,
appearances were decidedly against me. At my captor's behest I was forced to march
before him at least half a mile of trench to a dug-out occupied by two callow youths
English officerswho condescended to interrogate me. My knowledge of the dramatic
stage has given me this advantage that I am able to recognise the difference between
histrionicsand especially amateur histrionicsand nature. The start of astonishment
therefore was not lost upon me. In their youth and inexperience these young officers
overdid it. I promptly suspected them of complicity in the outrage which had been
perpetrated upon me, but I was not going to minister to their sense of humour. They
pretended to consider whether I should be shot out of hand as a - spy or sent on
to Battalion Headquarters. I was asked if I had anything to say for myself. I replied,
with an appropriate gesture, Nicht verstehen, Herr Leutnant."
This sally took these youths aback, particularly as there was little or nothing in my
appearance to resemble the notion they had formed of Barnard Claw. They exchanged
glances. There was no change to be got out of me. On the way to Battalion Head
quarters, where I hoped to establish my identity, an untoward incident occurred. Four
other prisonersGermanswere setting forth under escort. My guard was relieved and
I was ordered to follow the other captives. As I stood irresolute for a moment, my forward
motion was accelerated by an English sergeant in a degrading and painful manner. In
that humiliating moment I remembered bitterly that I had once written, Personally, I
like Englishmen better than Irishmen (no doubt because they make more of me)."
At Battalion Headquarters I quickly divined that the commanding officer was equally
aware of my identity' and the offensive outrage of which I was the victim. I was paraded
with the four Germans before him. I was the third to be interrogated by a youth, who
may have known half a dozen words of German. There were a number of officers in the
orderly room and I wanted a private colloquy with the Colonel. So I gave my name as
Herman Schneider, soldaten, 14, Bayersche Infanterie."
The Colonel looked me up and down malevolently.
You're a liar," he said, shortly. You're a Wurtemberger. Watch this man, and
if he shows any tricks, shoot him. Where's his paper
He ran his eye down a scrap of paper, furnished by the subaltern in the dug-out. H m
caught in Barney Trench D.7.f, asleep or drunk, 3.9 p.m. 4.3.17 A dd spy
should have been dealt with summarily."
An impulse seized me and I said in English
Excuse me, Colonel. May I have a few words with you in private
On the dramatic stage my officer would have started violently and the spectators
in the orderly-room would have been electrified with emotion. Nothing of the sort
happened. The Colonel, fastening his eye on me more malevolently than ever, observed
with deliberation, If you have anything to say, say it here-and say it quickly."
